I have more than enough.
That’s just enough, thank you.
I’ll never be enough.
How can one word take me from fully satisfied to wrung out to puddle at my feet? The gratitude and insecurity and rage swirl in my body, in my head, in my heart like a tornado and everyone should probably take shelter. When the tornado is raging inside you, where do you go?
Sometimes I wonder at the sheer power of these storms of emotion. They are awe inspiring from a distance. When you are in it, wind whipping, hair hitting your face with nothing left to do but fall on your knees you begin to wonder…is that where I should have been all along?
Because I’m not and I am at the same time. Enough that is. People have had enough of me because I’ll never be enough.
Don’t coddle it and brush it away and live in denial of what is truth.
I was never meant to be enough.
If I was there would be no need for a God of grace who loves and saves even in, especially in my lack. That’s where he shines brightest. But some days, in some storms just the knowing of that doesn’t stop the the torrent. Because sometimes debris comes out of nowhere getting caught in the wind and blindsides me upside the head until I have no choice but to fall from my pride to my knees.
Sometimes a little something can hit me just right and take me down harder than the big things.
But if that’s where I’m supposed to be is it
“Thank you for giving me enough?”
Sometimes I just wish that the storm siren would wail before the swirling starts so I could hit the deck and start where I often end. If I fall to my knees first maybe I would walk away with bloody knees instead of a bloody heart and a headache.
I’ve yet to find a bandage that sticks to the heart.